Match reports for the 2010-11 season can be accessed at the bottom of this page until we create a separate section . Meantime. current player profiles are set out below and by clicking on the link below, you can access all of this season's results and statistics, including appearances (current season and total career appearances), goalscorers (and total career goals) of the current squad.
Brentham Vets 2010-2011.pdf
PLAYER PROFILES
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Adrian 'the cat' Lovett - Goalkeeper:-
Adrian is not known as 'the cat' because of his feline like reflexes, but for the number of times he's drank milk out of a saucer and had a sh*t in his back garden. He has had various nicknames over the years due to his goalkeeping 'clobber', Kasey Keller was one that 'stuck', unlike the ball to his hands. He often playes like Helen Keller, let alone Kasey Keller. Adrian work's part time as Dave Sellers's butler, and has often shared a room with Dave on tour when they have both been told to "keep the noise down" on their 'entertaining'. Adrian is a thoroughly nice chappie, especially when he dons his barrister wig, although members of the defence may disagree.
Matty Quinn - Goalkeeper:-
They seek him here, they seek him there, but he hasn't turned up for football 'cos his wife won't let him! Matty made several appearances in the 2009/2010 season, but over half way through this season, he is still waiting for permission from his wife to 'come out to play'. Matty 'takes no prisoners' when in goal, and the saying 'you don't have to be mad to be a goalkeeper, but it helps' definitely applies to Matty. If mad Matty can't be found doing the dishes and washing up at home, he can be found in the pub.
Richard 'Tricky' Kirk - Goalkeeper:-
Tricky has played as many games AGAINST Brentham Veterans as he has for them, and although Tricky's undoubted ability as a goalkeeper cannot be questioned, Brentham Veterans never seem to win with him in goal. Negotiations are afoot to have Tricky play for the opposition every week. Tricky was last seen just prior to the Ryder cup which he attended in Wales. He is allegedly still celebrating.
Mark 'Marky Mark' Langley-Sowter - full back/centre half/sweeper:-
What can be said about 'Marky Mark' that hasn't already been said about him - by him. 'Mr Magoo' loves to be the centre of attention, whether it be wearing his fedora in the changing room, or dressing up as David Mellor in his kit each Sunday morning. Marky's position as Social Secretary has seen him in his element as he has arranged charity football games, tours, 5-a-side sessions and pi** ups, sometimes all in the same week. Mark's claim to fame is that he appeared in Brentham Veterans most popular You-tube video ever, although we don't want to rub his nose in it again. The video was shot on the 2010 tour to Belgium when one of Mark's comments also resulted in a tumbleweed moment on the veranda of the Millen football club bar. Thankfully, his yellow jacket has now also been confined to a distant memory. A very composed footballer.
John 'Buck' Rogers - full back:- back to top of Profiles
John spends his time watching Spurs and playing for Brentham Veterans, and bring's his Gareth Bale game to Brentham with his forages down the wing on a Sunday morning. John has recently recovered from a nasty leg injury as he is not afraid to 'mix it' with the opposition, unlike the poncey Spurs players. Always a pleasure to see John's enthusiasm on the pitch, and it is hoped such enthusiasm can be transferred to putting his hand in his pockets in the bars on the tour to Ireland at the end of the season!
Dave Grose - full back and Manager:-
Dave is Brentham through and through, and if you cut him, he'd bleed - alcohol. Never one to turn down a drink or a come dine with me party, Dave ensure's Marky Mark's Social Secretary role will never become redundant. Dave holds the Brentham Veterans tour goalscoring record which he has defended for the last two tours in Spain and Belgium. Prior to these two tours, he was inspirational in Lille when giving pep talks to Brentham Veterans' fans who toured with the team, using inspiring words such as "you're fat, bald and nobody likes you" to a die hard follower. Dave's directions and instructions are also second to none eg. if you weren't given any directions, they'd be better than Dave's. Dave's distribution of the ball is excellent - if you are playing for the opposition, and he is vying to become the out and out 'own goal' scorer for Brentham Veterans. An excellent squad member, Dave's personality and enthusiasm helps Brentham Veterans continue to be such a success.
Alan 'Mackem' Hedley - Full back:-
Alan was transferred into the Brentham squad in the 2009/2010 season for a club record five lettuces, four cucumbers, three onions and a 4lb bag of King Edwards, which were used at Tesco's where Alan works as a fresh produce Manager. They 'release' him every other week so as he can 'strut his stuff' on playing fields in and around the Ealing area while he also keeps a look out for fresh/majic mushrooms on the edges of football pitches. Alan won the title of best break disco dancer on tour in Belgium last season, where his solo performance also incorporated a crash barrier on the side of the road next to a burger van. His performance resulted in a round of applause which Alan modestly says he cannot remember, although, this is quite possibly correct after the amount of ale he supped. Alan has been a stand in on several of the Rocky films, hence his battered good looks. Alan gives a fine performance on a Sunday as a left footed Rocky Balboa.
Mike 'Frank Gallagher' Miley - Centre Half:-
Mike McMileyman 'puts himself about' the pitch on a Sunday morning, but is only ever happy when it's raining so that his long flowing locks can be washed in pure rainwater. His hair products take up most of his kit bag, and there is hardly any room for his football boots. There's plenty of room for other players' football boots, just not his own. Mike's 'double act' with Pete Hobanaman has toured Spain, Belgium, Holland, and this year they take their Summer tour to Listowel in County Kerry, Ireland. Mike will be donning his green Parka and growing his stubble to attract the women in the Irish equivalent of the Chatsworth Estate while on tour. He may even be sitting on the panel of New Faces talent show, although this intelligence may be incorrect and he may just be looking to sit on new faces this time around. Mike's calm manner and friendly disposition is a blessing on tour as he mingles with the locals inviting them to "Fuk you" and "Fuk you too".
Paul 'Geordie' James - Centre Half:-
The word 'TOO-ERR' entered the English language following years of Jamesey expressing his interest to take part in the end of season visit to faraway lands where he could leave snippets of wisdom and one liners for foreigners to benefit and remember him by for years to come. He will be forever remembered as the man who responded to a query during a minutes silence on Rememberance Sunday when a team member turned up late during said minute, and asked Jamesey "who's this for then?", to which the Geordie replied "I canny remember all of their names loike". Officer Dibble demands respect as he commands the back line on a Sunday morning, winning header after header. As a member of the constabulary, he has easy access to drugs and is occasionally seen taking 'a hit'. The Geordie Confucias's weekly sayings are listened to with admiration by his followers, particularly Marky Mark who is now aware "There are other reasons why people stare at you".
Pete Hoban - Centre Half/Full back/Striker/Utility player:- back to top of Profiles
Pete 'Hobanaman' is the joker in the pack, not a minute goes by without a story, a joke, a pulled face, or a funny anecdote, and that's just during the game. Pete is priceless on TOO-ERR. Pete's other talent is music, and as an accomplished teacher of the guitar, it was not a wise move for him to go in goal in his role as Utility player a few seasons ago where ho proceeded to bend his finger into an unnatural position, but Pete is used to being in unnatural positions. His after dinner speaking is legendary, and often involves stories of smoking canines and lovemaking - involving smoking canines. Pete claims to have also tied for leading goalscorer on tour, but scoring a goal against five and six year olds while shi*faced in Madrid doesn't count. Mr Hobanaman thinks his hawaiian shirts are fashionable, and goes to every length to impress on TOO-ERR with his wardrobe, however, Pete invariably ends up with lager and curry down the front of his shirt which in a strange kind of way improves his look. Wherever you find Pete, you generally find Mike Miley, as the two 'bounce off each other' - and that's just in the bedroom.
Mick 'The Salmon' Eames - Utility Defender:-
The Salmon earned his nickname on tour to Alpadrete in Spain in 2006 when during the final game on tour Mick leapt like a salmon to head in a cross against the Spaniards, and in doing so he recorded his first and only goal for Brentham Veterans. Mick took great delight in reminding the tourists, and all of the villagers of Alpadrete of his "leap like a salmon" goal for hours on end that evening - before falling asleep in the bar. In over 250 appearances for Brentham Veterans, Mick is still looking for his second goal, but with injuries blighting his career at the moment, chances are limited. The Salmon is a proud Welsh Salmon, but nobody can remember the last time a happy Salmon entered the Brentham changing rooms on a Sunday morning as both the Welsh egg chasers and football team get turned over time after time. Long may it continue to the Welsh ba*tards. Mick is the current treasurer of Brentham Veterans and enjoys four holidays a year to the likes of the Caribbean, America, Mauritius, Maldives and Bangor.
Tom 'Rice Unit' Rice - Midfield:-
Tom is 'large' and if there's any signs of trouble, the remaining 10 players on the pitch can quite easily hide behind Tom without being seen. Although Tom looks intimidating, he is the proverbial 'gentle giant' and is relaxed as they come, hi-lighted in Spain a couple of tours ago when a taxi full ov Brentham veterans pulled up outside their hotel so that Tom could jump out and get some extra money. While they waited, Tom was shaving, showering, getting changed, all in slow motion - what's the rush? The Rice Unit is arranging this year's end of season tour to his homeland, so expect plenty of 'down time' for Guinness and relaxing. A goalscoring midfielder, Tom's partnership with Eamonn Malone goes further than football, whether it be with their kids, church or in any bar in Ealing. All hail Rice Unit.
Eamonn 'Molly' Malone - Midfield:-
In Dublin's fair City, where the girls are so pretty, I first set my eyes on sweet.................'Molly' Malone joined Brentham Veterans at the start of the 2009/2010 season, and it was no coincidence that Brentham Veterans had their most succesful season ever. Eamonn's hard work and scoring exploits contributed to an excellent Brentham season. Although the 'baby' of the squad, Eamonn looks older than any other squad member, and is often approached on the pavement by elderly people who ask if he'd like help crossing the street. Eamonn loves his Arsenal, and his Guinness, and can be seen at every Arsenal home game with a pint of the black stuff in his hand, unless he is over in Ireland on yet another bender. He may need quite a few pints of the black stuff at the end of February, to block out the memory of Arsenal being beaten in the Carling cup final by Birmingham City!
Colin Livingstone - Midfield:-
"Mr Livingstone I presume" was the first words Colin must have heard when he first came to play at Brentham, allbeit from twenty veterans - one at a time! 'Big' Colin as he is known, not because he is particularly big, but because there is another Colin in the squad who is a bit of a shortar*e, joined during the 2009/2010 season, but has been a bit of a Darren Anderton with the number of injuries he has had, which have resulted in an operation or two. Currently out injured again, Colin is hoping to make the tour to Ireland just so as he can get injured in a different country.
Chris 'Christopher Lloyd' Firmin - Midfield:-
Chris Firmin was one of the founder members of the Brentham Veterans back in 1875, and in his time he has been Treasurer, Manager, Captain, kit man, club doctor, club Chaplain, masseus, rent boy and drug dealer for the squad. Chris continues to arrange a full fixture list of over 40 games a season, and still turns out in midfield at the ripe old age of 172 (although Chris maintains he is 'only' 61). Years of dabbling in weeds, (not of the gardening variety) have addled Chris's brain, and he can often be seen talking to himself in the changing room as he walks around ringing his hands and shouting "Spurs are great". Proof indeed that all Spurs fans are nutters. Chris's long legs make timely interceptions, and he is always reliable to offer a sound performance. Chris is one of the fittest members of the Brentham squad - when he's not injured. Long may his association with Brentham Veterans continue.
Dave 'Margaret' Sellers - Midfield:-
Margaret earned her nickname from being a moaning old woman who has captained the womens moaning team at every moaning world cup since she set up the team in the early 1980's. If there's an argument to be had, Margaret's yer woman. Always complaining if she doesn't get the ball, even in tennis, where when she plays a shot she shouts "give the ball to me, give the ball to me", then when she receives it and plays another tennis shot, it's the same again "give the ball to me, give the ball to me". This has been known to go on for hours. Margaret's trustee manfriend 'The Cat' soothes Margaret by licking her fur balls until she calms down. Often known to cause an argument in a telephone box, Margaret has brought her views and comments onto the football pitch, thankfully the majority of her team mates now ignore her and let her carry on with her tantrums until she is all tired out and taken home by Butler Lovett. Unfortunately, having travelled to Belgium for last season's end of season tour, she sustained an injury in the first few minutes of her first game, which was desperately unlucky, however, at least she had something to moan about. Margaret also drives a Porsche. Say no more.
Neil Graveney - Midfield:- back to top of Profiles
Whenever Neily turns up on a Sunday morning, everybody hides their valuables (the same can be said of Frank Gallagher). Neil is as Scouse as they come, and although no Brentham squad member can be accused of being stereotypical, they all think Neil is a robbing Scouse bugger because he comes from Liverpool. In hindsight, yes, all of the Brentham squad can be accused of being stereotypical. Untypical of a thieving scouse bugger, Neil doesn't drink, and he's got a job which doesn't involve him putting on a black and white striped T-shirt and working in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, Neil is yet to go on tour with the Brentham Veterans where his dry Liverpool wit would be truly appreciated amongst his veteran team mates.
Tony Georgiou - Midfield:-
Tony Georgiou is a Cypriot hairdresser who compliments the league of Nations which is Brentham Veterans, although you wouldn't know it if you heard Tony speak in his Londinium accent, however, his swarthy dark looks does give the game away a bit. Tony's hairdressing empire is taking off, but he hasn't taken any of his team mates with him who all have crap hair cuts. Another laid back member of the squad who will be joining his team mates for the first time on tour at the end of the 2010/2011 season as they travel to Ireland where Tony is looking forward to a few pints of Guinness - his favourite tipple.
Nigel Green - Midfield:-
Nigel is another 'youngster' of the Brentham set up, however, he did recently celebrate his 40th birthday at the club where he laid on a free bar! Nigel is one of the most popular members of the Brentham squad! One of the things that lets him down though is being yet another Tottenham supporter, there's just too many around. Nigel has been know to throw a shape or two on the dance floor, particularly during the Spain tour and at the Fabrizio concert in Belgium in 2010. Nigel is always happy to share a beer or two after a Sunday game, and is always at Brentham Veterans functions, however, he falls well short of Dave Grose's 'commitment' to these functions. The dance floor has been booked for the end of season tour, all we need now is for Nigel to put his hand in his pocket again!
Colin Matthews - Forward:-
Yet another feckin Tottenham supporter! Colin is a well respected member of the Veterans set up, and has an ambassadorial role within the club, allbeit a small one, in fact, everything about Colin is small. Despite having to live with the stigma of his height all through his life (apart from when he was a baby - he was 'normal' size then), Colin has gone on to bigger (not a hard objective) and better things. From Captaining the Brentham first team, to Captaining the Veterans, Colin holds the appearance record of well over 300 games for the Veterans. He also holds the goalscoring record (not for long) of well over 200 goals for the team. Always willing to lend an ear (but never any money) to a team mate in distress, Colin still turns out nearly every Sunday to try and add to his goalscoring tally as he clocks up appearance after appearance. Another Brentham stalwart who deserves a testamonial at the club - if they did testamonials.
Paul Navarre - Forward:-
Paul 'Frenchy' Navarre has only played four games in the 2010/2011 season, however, he has scored eleven goals. He hasn't been seen since November 2010, and he is allegedly still manning the blockades in France, although rumours are abound that he was scoring too many goals and was favourite to win the Golden boot for the season, so he had to be "gotten rid of".
Jon Rhodes - Forward:-
Jon Rhodes must be one of the quickest players in the squad, unless it's his round at the bar. Jon has pulled a few hamstrings in his time as his change of pace puts stresses on his body only his wife could replicate. Jon recently scored his 100th goal for Brentham Veterans in just 130 games for the team, again, quick work by the Rhodester. Jon didn't attend school as boy, hence he is unable to spell the full name J-O-H-N, but this hasn't stopped him in his work which sees him travel the world to exotic places like Abu Dabi (Frank Gallagher knows a good joke about that place). Jon will be looking to continue his goal scoring exploits, but as long as he sticks to his quota, he'll go far in the team.
Mick Duffy - Centre Forward and Captain:-
Duffy is the nicest chap in the squad and is another who has Captained the Brentham first team and the Veterans. Duffy's record of a goal-a-game in over 200 appearances isn't bad for an ex defender at the club, but he won't relax until he reaches, and surpasses Colin Matthews's goalscoring feats for the Veterans. Duffy also holds the 100 metre sprint record on Spanish soil following a hot curry and 20 pints of Cerveca during the tour to Spain in 2009. Duffy's time as Captain of the veterans is coming to an end on a thoroughly enjoyable time, and he will be interviewing likely candidates in the numerous bars of Ireland at the end of the season. The only Brentham player at the club to record 40 goals in a season (2009/2010), Duffy is now looking for a successor who may be French, but may also have concrete slippers and be at the bottom of a french river.
LEAGUE OF NATIONS:- back to top of Profiles
Brentham's squad includes Irish, Brummy, Scouse, Cockney (landaners!), Mackem, Geordie Welsh, Cypriot and French players, together with Marky Mark and Dave Grose (who doesn't know where he comes from, although he does like cars). The strong tradition of being a cosmopolitan football club lingers on after having Japanese, Spanish and more Frenchmen in the past. We now have a Chinese mascot - Bing, who is the team's groupee and gives encouraging and inspirational team talks prior to tour games - TORA TORA TORA!
THE MEN IN THE MIDDLE, OR, WHO'S THE BA*TARD IN THE BLACK?:-
'Sir' Percy:-
Sir Percy is in his seventieth decade, but still likes to hobble around the centre circle on a Sunday morning. Hobble is an apt description as he has undergone a hip replacement or two, but his love of the game has never wavered. He loves nothing better to referee a veterans game, then retire to the bar for a few beers with his lovely wife Jean. Sir Percy isn't available for many games nowadays, not because of his hip replacements, but because of the amount of holidays and cruises he and his wife enjoy in their retirment. It has been noted that Sir Percy has taken a recent interest in 'young boys' and Eamonn Malone has taken his eye, as Sir Percy always sits next to Eamonn while getting changed - or is it the other way around? What a smashing fellow Sir Percy is, may he be around forever.
John 'I'm blind' Capps.
From the sublime to the ridiculous. Cappsy must learn the offside rule before he referees any more Veterans games. Time after time he gives offside, and he is only right 50% of the time - the 50% when he calls the opposition for offside, whereas the Brentham forwards always time their runs to perfection - c'mon Cappsy, sort yourself out! There is no doubt who is boss on the pitch when John has a whistle in his hand, and he makes no bones about it if he is questioned on a decision, and with the amount of decisions he gets wrong, there are plenty of occasions! John's missus looks after the Brentham veterans footballs in her spare time, and can often be seen on the touchline with a couple tucked under her jumper.
Some Old Stuff!
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